Some of the most beautiful people I've met in my life describe themselves as givers, caretakers and nurturers. There life is characterized by giving everything they are and have, to in some way help others. This generosity of spirit is a beautiful and admirable quality in and of itself.
Yet when this quality is not reciprocal toward oneself we are unable to receive love and relationships are one sided. This often leads to a lot of sadness, anxiety and dissatisfaction for the giver.
So why is it, that the giver cannot receive? There are many possible factors that can explain why we experience this block to the receiving of love. Here are some of the most common reasons:
- Growing up in a family in which we took on the caregiver archetype at a young age and formulated our sense of value to the degree that we could take care of another.
- Our early experiences of love were one sided and we learned that on a deep subconscious level that perhaps we were not deserving or worthy of love
- An early crisis in which a fear of intimacy develops or a fear of abandonment
These underlying subconscious themes then project entire relationship realities in which we unconsciously choose relationships in which we are the giver of love. This sets up a protective barrier against ever having to be truly deeply vulnerable to experiencing a subconscious fear of unworthiness and abandonment.
We unknowingly create an entire identity around being the one who gives everything of ourselves. That is irreplaceable in all they do. This is often why we see the development of relationships in which there is excessive emotional and psychological dependency on a partner. These relationships are referred to as being codependent in which we choose a partner that seems to need us and is unable to completely survive on their own. Codependent behavior is driven by an underlying belief that on some level we are unlovable and unworthy of love.
From Martyr, Caretaker to Savior, the roles we play out are on a deep level, very painful. We never allow ourselves the vast opportunity of firstly fully loving and embracing ourselves and secondly fully loving and embracing another freely without fearful attachment. We look to our relationship whether it is with a partner or our children as a source of our sense of worthiness and purpose. Yet with the ever changing dynamics of a relationship it is impossible to obtain a sense of sustained value.
Often when a relationship shifts into difficult territory then we can feel overwhelmed by feeings of inadequacy and emptiness. The pain of such feelings often send us more deeply into the cycle of codependent behavior.
When asked by others why we find it so hard to leave destructive relationships or simply love ourselves this can feel like a very foreign concept.
Yet there is a path back to self love, reliance and loving relationship. Here are a few key ways I've found work best to begin this process.
- First we need to recognize that we have been playing this pattern out. That we have been in an unconscious role of savior or caretaker based on underlying fears of unworthiness. We must take responsibility for our role in creating this so we can change this.
- We must allow time and space to acknowledge and accept the feelings we have repressed for so long and gently allow them to rise to the surface.
- We must identify underlying subconscious belief systems and identities and why we do the things we do from this level of mind. Hypnotherapy is a great way to work with the driving motivators in these situations, it allows for deep internal reconciliation and integration of parts of ourselves that have been.wounded.
- Create a conscious version of yourself that is focused on creating a loving, accepting and powerful relationship with ourselves. This involves creating new beliefs and behaviors that make us the One We Can Count On
The above suggestions are beginning points to a long and beautifully healing pathway to discovering our inner value. This path will be powerfully revealing and more valueble than anything outside ourselves. It guides us back not only to an infinite source of self love but also toward our creative potential.